Love... Hurts?

During one of the many phone conversations in which we discuss the respective relationship issues we may or may not have, a friend of mine said (with a slight tone of despair), "Love hurts." This got me thinking, and I’d thought I’d write about it (This topic is actually the reason I decided to start a blog in the first place.) I think we all have had experiences of either being (or causing) hurt in relationships. I know I've had my fair share of both, so I understand where this sentiment can come from. However, this hurt that we have experienced or caused cannot be attributed to Love, for Love in its truest essence is completely balanced and cannot cause hurt.

The essence of Love is giving. The law of Love is rhythmic balanced interchange between all givings and regivings. In the case of romantic love, it can be thought of that each person giving fully and truly of themselves to the other, the other person returning that love for regiving, and thusly the cycle repeats over and over. Each giving and regiving balances the other. Balance is the underlying essence which the giving and regiving simulates. Balance and Love are one and the same. The hurt that people experience can be for a variety of reasons, but none of those reasons are because "Love hurt them." The hurt that we perceive is because of the imbalance that we feel/experience in the relationship.

"So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you, for this sums up the Law and the Prophets." - Matthew 7:12

Hurt generally arises from a) a lack of knowledge of what Love is... b) a lack of knowledge of who one's partner is... and/or c) lack of self-knowledge and self-love. (That's in no particular order by the way :-)).

First of all, you have to truly understand and love yourself before you can love anybody else. Being able to honestly say, "This is me, I love me, and this is who I am" is the first step to finding someone who truly matches that. People are like puzzle pieces; we all have certain thoughts, opinions, desires, quirks, needs, etc. that make up the "shape" of who we are. It's hard to find a matching shape when we don't even know (or accept) our own shape. (How many times have we been in relationships and realized that they are not what we really wanted? or that we are not what they wanted?) Also, relationships should not be used to validate the love one should already have for oneself. That’s how people end up getting “dragged through the mud;” losing themselves in their attraction to someone else and doing things they know that they normally wouldn’t and shouldn’t do. Love can be a fulfilling thing, but one should have inner fulfillment before they go and try to find joint fulfillment with someone else. Not having a strong sense of (and love for) who you are and what you are about would bring imbalance to the relationship before it even starts.

Further, it's important to have a deep knowledge of who your partner really is. Amongst many other reasons, this knowledge will help you recognize the unseen essence of Love in your relationship. How can you tell if someone loves you? It is not necessarily in the physical manifestations of love (i.e. the things someone does or doesn't do for you). It is in the reasons why your partner decided to do those things in the first place.

I have also seen (and experienced) hurt because "I like someone and they don't like me in the same way." Well, if someone is lamenting over the fact that "he/she doesn't even know I exist" or "he/she doesn't like me the way I like him/her" then Love is not what they are feeling for that person. What they are attached to and desire is the physical manifestations of Love from that person. They want that person that they desire to give them some type of affirmation of Love (which is actually a selfish thing when you think about it.) Here is a (not-too-distant) past example from my life. There is a certain female singer that I think is fantastic. I admire her talent, and more so I find myself attracted to the qualities she exhibits in her music, her interviews, and her life in general (from what I know at least). How funny (and selfish) is it that I would see her in concert or watch a video and have a "bittersweet" feeling; thinking that "Well I'll never get to meet her" and "She doesn't even know I exist." I "hurt" myself with my own selfish version of affection for this woman and she doesn't even know who I am! In retrospect, I think it's pretty funny. I later realized, that she represents an idea of the type of woman that I vibe with, and that spark that she ignites in me really is a greater awareness of that idea of "type of woman for Regular Guy." That spark is the inspiration for the desire to Love that “woman”, and that idea of woman can and does have its manifestation elsewhere (i.e. in another woman who captures that as well as the other ideas that fit the rest of my "shape"). Therefore, I can be thankful to that particular celebrity for awakening that inspiration of Love in me, and I can have that Love for her whether it's ever physically manifested with her in particular or not because that inspiration still exists and will manifest with someone else. (And yes you can Love the idea of the person you want before you ever meet a person who is a representation of that idea.) Remember that what makes a person who they are is not the body of that person. It is the unseen inner qualities (which the body is a tool to manifest) that make someone who they are. So the point is that type of person who fits your needs does exist, and is not necessarily confined to one particular manifestation of that idea (which, by the way, probably wasn't even the fit you thought it was because if it was then that other person would have seen it too). True Love doesn't have a price tag on it... Love gives unconditionally and not "on the basis that it's returned." However, because of the law of Love, whatever is truly given will undoubtedly be returned (good or bad).

"Do not be deceived: God cannot be mocked. A man reaps what he sows." - Galatians 6:7

So, love truly... love deeply... Don't turn your back on opportunities for true Love because "I don't want to be hurt again." Realize that true Love would not purposefully misuse you, and if you see that imbalance then you know that Love is not a part of that. You then have the choice to act accordingly.

With Love,

Regular Guy